The bubble of denial has finally burst. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m tired and I just want to go home and I can’t. It’s a horrible feeling not being able to just go home. I feel like a little kid that’s been running errands with mom all day. I don’t want to be blindly dragged along, I want to go home. It’s not even about the things anymore it is about the comfort of those things. It’s about not having that comfort anymore. I have lost my comfort zone. I can’t just go home and sit and be comfortable. Comfort is lost and it is going to be a long time before I find it again. Everything has changed now.
Now it is just a waiting game. Everything is in limbo and it seems like my entire life is suspended in the air, hanging over my head. For the last few weeks, I have had to just wait. It’s hard because all I want to do is move forward and I can’t. I have to sit here and wait.
When you’re waiting, all you can think is, What’s next. What now? When? How much longer until we DO something?
I drove to Dumas today. For those of you who have never made the drive to Dumas, it is a very vast…..nothingness. It’s nothing but brown grass, dead shrubs and no trees. Desolate nothing. And that pretty much sums up how I feel. It is very depressing.
But, then you look up and in contrast there is the wide open sky. It is a perfect blue. It’s serene and calms my heart. No clouds or blemishes just vast openness and in engulfs everything. I guess that means there is hope. There is always room for something.