Monday, February 27, 2012

Sometimes, Alltimes, Anytime

One year ago today was just another Sunday. Then the smoke came.

Time is something beyond the comprehension of the human mind. Time is not a concept that we can grasp, like mathmatics or writing. There is no beginning and no end, and honestly I'm not sure if such a thing even exits. That day, one year ago, seems so far away. Like it happened in another life, or even to some one else. Yet in the same thought, that day was today. I can feel the fear and despair. I can smell the smoke. I can see every color of every blade of grass burning around me. Everything was so vivid. I suppose that was the adrenaline. I remember the feeling of not knowing, but knowing at the same time. I will never understand how time makes me feel these two opposite things at once. 

When a person thinks of what it must be like to lose their home in a fire, I assume, they of course are thinking of how awful it would be to lose their belongings. But really that is the easy part. They are gone, there is not much you can do about that. It is hard, but you really do stop missing them more as the days go by. The awful thing is what happens to your head. Thoughts are something we all like to think we have control over, but after something like this you really struggle with yourself about the things you start thinking and feeling. You have to struggle with anger and fear. You struggle with waking up and your head asks you why, what is the purpose of it all.  It's feeling like everyone around you, got on with their lives and they have all completly forgotten the pain that you still feel. And even though you know that everyone does it, we all do it to people around us, you still feel angry that life just goes on anyway. You hate that you have all these memories, and no one understands how everything is different to you. You hate that everything reminds you, and you have to actually put forth effort to block it out.  As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I want to go back to that day. I want to be there again. Maybe to validate why I feel or don't feel certain things. Maybe I just don't want to ever forget. 

I suppose this really isn't much of an "update", but it's what I wanted to say. Once again, time has done a funny thing of making it seem as though nothing has changed and yet everything has changed all at the same time.  It took me the entire year, and it's not finished, but I put together a mosaic. Still trying to figure out the grout part of the process, but you get the idea. I'm quite in love with this. I don't know how well you can see it, but it's things we found in the ashes. Plates, glass, jewelry, some keys, a pocket knife. 

Thank you all for reading. Sometimes, alltimes, anytime,  it feels good just to let it all out.